I am a Free Woman!

So I forgot to post yesterday. Kept meaning to and kept putting it off. So there's no need to keep posting every day...at least not for the "contest." Forget just one day, and it's all over.  See you next month? Maybe?

This Seems to be a Blog About...

Struggling to write blog posts.

Laziness?

Procrastination?

But not to the point that I write nothing at all, just to the point that I often wait till the last minute, and then I'm rushed. I'm always feeling like I'm rushed though. No matter what time of day I think I want to write, I'll have to be somewhere in a few minutes, or there is something else that "needs" to get done more than my writing needs to get done, and that thing is hanging on my back like Megumi draped over Ben's back in the horror film, "Shutter." (http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Shutter_%282008_film%29) Sorry, I didn't just hotlink the word "Shutter" but I'm in the iPad Blogger app, and there does not seem to be a way to do that. 

That is also one of my favorite ways to describe depression, which another thing I struggle with in my life, when I want to write, exercise, eat healthy--doing all these things would help alleviate the depression, but the depression itself is what makes it so difficult to just DO it. I have to have a continual voice, like a little coach in my head, shouting at me to just get up and do "A." Sometimes it takes minutes, sometimes days, sometime months, sometimes it takes years of the coach trying, and me alternately supressing her "voice" before I take even a first step toward any type of positive action for my life.

Literally Phoning it In

Posting from my phone today. I've either been posting from my iPad or my phone the last several days. The benefit of the iPad is that it is currently attached to a keyboard so it's like using a small laptop. With the phone I use the Swype keyboard, so it feels faster, though I really have to keep an eye out for those pesky autocorrect typos.

We have another thing were doing tonight...and something tomorrow night as well, so I don't know if I'll be doing any long posts or any fiction any time soon. At least I'm still posting every day. Now with the Blogger app both on my phone and my iPad, it's kind of made easier...plus I have an alarm set on my phone to go off at 10:45 am to remind me to post. I'm not allowed to swipe it away until after I've posted. The nagging effect seems to be working.

I Want to Post But...

I need a nap right now. I'm afraid if I put it off till later, I'll be too tired then as well, so this is for now, and we'll see how I'm feeling later.

Groggy Day

Maybe it's the fighting the depression that's doing it. I wish I could have slept all day, but it gets too physically painful to lay in bed too much past 8 hours. Tummy is hurting. Why does my mouth crave things that my tummy can't cash? Okay, that was a bit of mixed metaphor, but you get it, right? It makes me not want to write. 

I exercised last Monday, and then did nothing in that area the rest of the week. For several days afterward, I felt like I needed to just sleep a lot. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I want get a work out in. I don't know exactly when I think it will be a good time to get my post in tomorrow. I think the longest I've kept up my daily blog writing for NaBloPoMo, was 19 days. Let's see if I can manage to break that record. I know so many before me have been able to do with with seeming ease. It's a struggle for me, and it's been a struggle for me lately to write. Yet, I still want to write. I don't know why. I mean, I don't know why the struggle. 

Long Day With Family

Got up way too early, went out to breakfast with hubby. Went to our mental health support class, took our daughter and her friend an hour south took a Homestuck meet-up, came home.

Day started around 6:20am and here it is 9:37pm. I want to go to bed though I predict a mild second around 10pm or so, leading to a 12am bedtime. We'll see...

Brain is Not Fully Engaged

I am having a hard time concentrating. It could be due to the giggling girls down the hall, since my daughter is having a sleepover. We will be going to a Homestuck cosplay meet-up tomorrow. No, I don't cosplay. If I did, it would be as River Song. Or maybe if just wear a piece of memorabilia from all of my favorite famdoms...Doctor Who, Sherlock, BSG TRS, Cat Woman...the list goes on...

I'm not going to try to write more...to much giggling.

Going to a Support Group

Hubby and I are going to a support group that is for family members of people with mental illnesses. It is possible the group will last until after midnight, so I'm posting this now in case I don't get back in time to post later, which is good because here I am, posting way the heck earlier in the evening (5:20pm) than I have all month. Now only if I could manage to get a post that has more substance than what I've been posting...though, I don't know, considering what has been happening in the past few days, I'm doing okay, and maybe there is more substance here than one might realize at first glance. 

Or is that just wishful thinking on my part?

What do you think?

Another Day...

Another quick post to show that I am marginally capable of writing something every day. This doesn't really prove anything, because I sometimes write texts and Facebook comments that are longer than this, and I do that every single day. 

Not really happy with this blogger app. I guess if I couldn't get online but wanted to write my post even if I couldn't publish it? No, because I could just write it up in any writing app. 

Let's see what tomorrow brings. I've had 11 days in a row to show me that it isn't the best idea to put my writing off till after 10PM. 

Almost Forgot!

I was getting ready to put everything away when I realized I hadn't posted for the day! But what to post? I forgot to take a pic of my new iPad, so here's a photo of my son being kissed by Olivia Munn at the San Diego Comic Con --I think it was around 2004? 2006? I took a screen shot of the Facebook pic with my phone.

Poor Sales Resistance?

I am typing this from my new iPad Air. I got it for "free" when...well let me start at the beginning. My daughter and I walked in to the At&t store to get a protective case for her phone. While the highly skilled sales person was helping us with that, she looked up our info and found out how much we were paying each month for all of our cell phones and tablet, and put us on a plan that would save us money. With that plan we got a free iPad Air and a hotspot. She also showed me how to use the Isis wallet on my Galaxy Note 3. With that I got $25 free when I signed up with the Amex Serve card attached to Isis. With that I used it toward the keyboard/case I got for the iPad. I'm still getting used to it. Trying the Blogger app for this post. Not sure if I like it, because I can't as easily go back and forth from working on my post to going on the internet when I want to create a hot link. 

If I had thought it through, maybe I could have taken a photo of my new tech with my phone. I'd have access to it online. I could still do that, but I would want to take it out of its case first, and switch screens, and I don't know yet if this will save so I can go back to it because this is the first time I've used this app, so maybe I'll post some pics tomorrow.

Still here...

It is at this point that I question why I am trying to make blog posts every single day. It is good to get in the habit of writing something every day even if I only write one or two sentences. Sometimes I look at the shorter blog posts and wonder if I'm "cheating." Am I just trying to get a token post in so I can finally after years of off and on attempts, finally succeed in NaBloPoMo? That's how I feel sometimes, but that is when I am forgetting the point of NaBloPoMo. For me, it is to get in the habit of writing every day. Even if I put it off until the very last moments of my day, at least I'm doing something. My plan is to work toward writing in the mornings after I work out. Oh, yeah, I'm going to start back on working out again too. Whee!

See you tomorrow(?)

I Had Plans For a Longer Post...

But a sudden family emergency came up, so no lengthy post today. But here is a nice picture of our cats all hanging out on our bed in calmer times, just days ago:

Random Streaming

Why is it, the moment I decide to get down to the business of making a blog post, I have a sudden urge to lay down and take a nap? It's 9:41 PM as I type this, so I'm pretty sure the nap would extend past midnight and then I wouldn't get my blog post in for today.

What did I do today?
I took my daughter to school. I got blood drawn as I do on a regular basis to check my cholesterol, blood sugar, and other blood panel and urine panel checks to make sure all the meds I'm taking are not messing with my kidneys or other internal organs.

The results show up in my email bit by bit. Still don't have my blood sugar levels. Cholesterol was a little higher than usual. This might be because I tried getting my cholesterol meds refilled though the mail this time. I thought I gave plenty of time, but when they still hadn't arrived by the time I was out, I decided it was a fail. I gave them through the weekend, thinking that was all I was going to be without them. I checked the website on a Monday, and there was no record me even ordering them. It was possible that at the very end, perhaps I did not press one last confirmation button. I still don't know how it could have happened because I remember getting a page that said my order was complete. I couldn't wait another week to ten days, so I ordered them online to pick up at the pharmacy. Of course they would not be ready till Wednesday for pick up because I didn't order them until after noon. If it had been before noon, I could have picked them up Tuesday.

By Wednesday, we were low on funds, so I had to wait till Thursday. I forgot until Friday after the pharmacy closed. Had to wait till the following Monday. I started taking them again that Monday night. Two days later, I get a call from my doctor's office telling me it's time to come in for my blood panel and it's a fasting one. No eating after 8pm. Because I had only been back on my cholesterol meds for a couple of days, I decided to wait till the following week on Thursday to get my blood drawn. Thursday morning I woke up, not entirely sure if I had stopped eating before 8pm. So Friday, it was!

It is now 10:25 PM. It took me that long to write that little bit. I am way too easily distracted to write anything of length. I need to get into the habit of writing again...yet if I talk about it like it's work that I don't want to do, do I really want to write? I want to want to want to write. That will be my mantra this month. Maybe I will start to enjoy it again. Now it's just kind of, "Meh."

Very Short Story From 2012

Because it is getting late, but not as late as last night (it's only 9:09 PM) and because I have come to the realization that I can NOT write anything when my husband is sitting next to me on the bed --even though he is engrossed in scrolling through Facebook posts on his phone...he just sneezed way back that word "getting" and it annoyed the crap out of me. I am not sure why, but it even annoyed me more when he said, "Oh, excuse me," it just came out sounding really dorky and annoying which I am quite sure says way more about me and how I am probably the Bitch Ice Queen of the Universe right now, than it does about him. ANYWAY, mainly because I am feeling tired and lazy, I'm posting a short story based on a prompt from a writing group I belong to. The Prompt was, "Don't Call Me Penelope."

“Hey Penelope!” Jim Farler called out to the woman a few yards ahead of him. As the woman turned, the wind almost blew the scarf from around her head. She made a quick save with one hand, while lowering her large, dark sunglasses with the other. She scanned the courtyard until she spotted her hailer. Her eyes narrowed. Jim smiled and waved as she made eye contact. She glanced around wondering if anyone else had noticed their transaction. Everyone appeared to be absorbed in their own lives today; anxious parents worrying about a child trying to escape from a group, or a conscientious pet owner picking up their dog’s crap, storing it for proper disposal. The woman gave Jim a nod of recognition, then turned back, continuing her route, hoping Jim would get the message.

Undeterred, Jim galloped across the courtyard to catch up with the woman. Though she was tall, and was making good progress, Jim was taller and caught up with her. He tapped her on the shoulder. She turned. He couldn’t see she was glaring at him from behind her sunglasses.

“I’m sorry, I’m in a hurry!” She turned to go. Her response went unnoticed by Jim who tapped her on the shoulder again.

“Penelope!” He said. At least he wasn’t shouting this time, “It’s been so long, but I’d know you anywhere!”

“I’m sorry,” said the woman, “I am sure you have the wrong person.”

“I’m sure I don’t!” Jim said, smiling, “Oh! Hey! Did you see the moon last night? That big, full moon?”

“I stayed inside last night,” she said briskly, “Now look, I really--”

“Stayed inside? On a full moon? You? Are you kidding me? That just doesn’t sound like the Penelope I know!”

“I’m not Penelope! Now I told you, I have to go! Don’t ever call me Penelope again!” She jerked away from him and practically ran off into the building overlooking the courtyard.

Jim watched as she disappeared inside. Boy, he thought, Penelope sure has changed!

I Got Closer Today

I got closer to starting my blog post earlier. I spent a large portion of the earlier part of the day alone in my room, or driving in my car alone, talking to myself. Out loud. Having conversations out loud with people who are not there. I realize they are not there, so at least that is good. I try to be aware of my surroundings enough, to stop talking out loud before someone else wonders who I'm talking to. I don't always notice that someone is within earshot in time to stop talking. Yeah, I'm just the crazy lady who talks to herself.

As I mentioned, I got closer. I had several good rants going that would have made decent blog posts, but I kept putting it off. By the time I was ready to sit down and write, they disappeared into thin air. Maybe tomorrow I'll start earlier. Maybe I'll finally sit down and write a short story. I just get so distracted lately, I don't feel like I have the patience to focus on any one thing for any length of time. How does one attain self-discipline? How does one become motivated enough to attain self-discipline. I don't think it counts if it comes easy. That isn't self-discipline, that's just doing something that comes relatively easy.

And now, here it is, 10:13PM PDT. How did I get here? Well....maybe it was because I started watching season 1, episode 2 of "Weeds" this morning. I had already watched the first episode yesterday. Then the rest of the day was filled with, "Just one more episode..." I've been putting off watching this show for years. I didn't think I would have anything in common with a woman who sells weed to make ends meet. Well, except for the dead husband, and the selling weed, I feel like I have met my fictional soul mate. The only thing I, personally would have done differently is sell my house and downsize. I do not at all see myself selling drugs to make ends meet no matter how desperate I was. Not necessarily because of any morality issue, but because I would be living in constant fear of getting caught and losing my kids.

See you tomorrow?

The Queen of Procrastination is Still Posting on Day 3

Big whoop, right? It's 10:41 PDT and I'm finally starting my post for the day. I have an alarm set on my phone to go off at 10:45 AM every day to remind me to do a blog post to keep up with NaBloPoMo. I keep it showing on my phone until I finish my post and hit "Publish."

I manage to find every mundane thing to do before I do my post. I had planned on doing a short story from a writing prompt. Instead, I ended up writing an alternate ending summary to a short story one of my fellow writing group members had written. I was going to post my short story here. I am not going to post my summary, because, well, it's just a summary. Also, I didn't get permission from my friend to repost his story here.

The whole time I was writing the summary, and even now, a recording of the Cosmos (an episode from back in April) has been playing. It's making it moderately hard to concentrate. I could turn off the TV but have become so ingrained in having it on at this hour with my husband sitting next to me in bed, flipping through his Facebook while half/watching and listening to Cosmos, or whatever other program is on. I'll have to say, usually by this time, he has checked out and is snoring away by now because he has to get up early for work.

That is all I have to write for now. Hopefully, I will be better disciplined tomorrow.

I May Need to Stay Off of Facebook

I guess I don't get it. I do have children. To the best of my knowledge, they have only ever been bullied, though not so drastically that schools or parents needed to get involved. To the best of my knowledge, my children have never been the bullies. Thankfully, they have never been abused in the way that this autistic boy from Maryland was by two teenage girls who were pretending to be his friends.

One of my Facebook friends who has an autistic daughter wrote, "I would prefer them to be tried as adults.... sick" in response to the article mentioning that one of the girls would be sent to Juvenile Detention. Well, I guess I must have had enough of reading other posts about entirely different things where people make emotionally charged knee-jerk statements, because I commented on her post with this:

That girl is sick and needs serious psychiatric intervention. I'm confused about what happened with the other girl in this case, and the victim doesn't seem to be traumatized by this excerpt maybe traumatized that the girls are going to jail? I guess I haven't learned enough from NAMI yet and what I have learned trends to make me upset whenever I see stories like this and everyone automatically wants to send the perpetrator to jail forever without considering mental illness.

She responded by kindly explaining her viewpoint as mother with an autistic daughter and explaining more about what she knew about the case. I thanked her, and figured that was that.

Then her friend comments that there is no place in society for people like that, and that a firing squad sounds good to them. That kind of highlighted my point about knee-jerk responses, but this was her friend, not mine, so I let it go (which, yes, I should have let the WHOLE entire thing go to begin with.) Oh, and to be precise, I don't even know this FB friend all that well. Our husbands grew up together. I may have met her in person once or twice.

Then my FB friend makes another post: "Donna: I think I get too emotional with these stories because I live with a daughter who is Autistic and I see how easy she can be led & easily harmed. It truly hurts my heart for the young man and his family. 
[her friend's name redacted]:  seriously... 2 bullets... I'll pay.

So in the same comment where she sort of apologizes for getting too emotional (not that she should have had to apologize, especially considering the horrific circumstances of the event), she jokingly offers to supply bullets to the firing squad. I wasn't able to stay out of it:

See...this is what I am talking about --do you honestly believe these girls deserve DEATH for what they did? DEATH? I wanted to know what happened to the other girl...was she the one whose mom found the video and turned her in? Or was it the girl in article whose mom turned her in? I am sure if it had been my son, my emotions would take over, and I would want a Scorched earth policy. But what if it had been my teenage daughter? A girl whose brain will not be fully formed in the areas of decision making skills and impulse control until she is closer to 25 (NOT at saying that she had no control of her actions or that she should in any way be EXCUSED). I would hope that she gets the psychiatric help and counselling SHE needs as well. Or do we just give up, decided they are evil and kill them? Where is the chance for the girls to learn something from this--to learn why what they did was so awful? Give them a chance to make reparations somehow. How can they do that if they are locked in a prison for adults where all they will learn is how to commit more crimes, and no hope for actual rehabilitation?

And I added:

I'm not saying they shouldn't be locked down somewhere.

During this time, I was telling my husband how I had decided to let it go, and then he noticed me typing again, and said, "Uh, oh, just couldn't let it go, huh?"

After I posted that last bit, I tried to explain, then just told him to look at the post, and then I promptly burst into tears. I'm not even sure why I burst into tears exactly. It may have something to do with fighting my depression un-medicated because the side effects are bad for my high blood pressure and high blood sugar. I do not know what is wrong with me that I have to post all that crap and can't just let things go. Later, I found that she responded to my last post with:

Nope... I don't really wish for the death penalty. It just makes me feel better for a moment saying it though.

And see, I totally get that. I have no idea why I couldn't just see that was what they were doing in the first place. What is wrong with me? This is a serious question. 

I Don't Have the Patience for This

Note that I did not write, "I don't have the time for this." I have time. I just don't feel like doing it. Another month, another chance to fail at National Blog Posting Month. Also, Camp NaNoWriMo started today. I didn't even sign up this time. I still might...would it  be cheating if I just posted whatever day's worth of crappy fiction I wrote for Camp NaNoWriMo here? I'm in this limbo of wanting to write, but not wanting to write.

I have things to write about that may of interest, but they often involve family members, and I don't want to tick them off or hurt them by writing about things that they may consider personal. Maybe I should just get over that one. But what if it's my children? I guess they can go ahead and write a "Mommy Dearest" book about me, and we'll call it even.